Tonight, just an original poem and a song recommendation. Thanks for reading:) The song is Modern Loneliness by Lauv. Is it revolutionary? Perhaps not, but there have been a good many times in my life when I put this song on loop and had a little cry. A note: It is NOT to be listened to while reading the poem. They aren't paired like cheese and wine lol, maybe like a shot and a chaser? Who's to say. Without further ado, the poem.
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A Message From My iPhone
by Macy Conrad
Today is a Wednesday in February.
In the basement of the Kennedy Center,
we are studying the style of “Being Lonely”
Modal verbs and conditional clauses.
Finally, something I don’t have to bullshit.
I don’t have to wait for two comments,
And then comment. On their ideas.
On loneliness,
I have my own.
The style of being lonely
Is day old mascara,
fixed in a spotted mirror.
The style of being lonely
Is drawing attention to your tits
to hide the sadness in your dark undereyes.
The style of being lonely is Lana del Rey
And losing weight
And smoking cigarettes
And little black dresses
And keeping a diary
And tinsel.
And cuts, slow and sharp.
To be lonely is deeply fashionable.
Deeply tragic.
Deeply human.
A message from my iPhone:
“We noticed your steps have been low for the last 18 days.”
Hard data to prove my diagnosis, yet
How could you not know
When my cheeks are chewed raw, bloody
And my jaw has to unlock each morning
My back is tense, and my shoulders are tight
I think I might throw up
But different throwing up from when I blacked out this weekend.
I brought home a reusable bag of vomit with heels in my hands
Then I told my sister that I loved Honeycomb – a secret.
How many times have you fucked two people in one night
because the one-night-stand didn’t satisfy your loneliness anymore
Personally, I’m not so sure.
Have you ever cried empty, silent, still
Have you ever sobbed on the bathroom floor at work
Because corporate America doesn’t understand
What loneliness does to a twenty-four-year-old girl.
On YouTube, I watched a video on the concept of “movie porn”
Something the masses consume to feel catharsis or grief or sin
Maybe just to feel anything, because apathy runs rampant.
The topic was:
the sad white girl, out of touch with plight,
something beautiful can’t grow – so we die.
Yesterday I started reading The Virgin Suicides –
True romanticization of the American girl tragedy.
Maybe someday you will understand,
My dysfunction
And the nightmares
That leave my cheeks raw and my eyes stinging.
A 5am wakeup after a 3am bedtime
Missing class
Missing out
Feeling lonely
Lonelier
Loneliest.
As my friends enter relationships
that I am not capable of having.
Because who wants to date an alphabet soup girl?
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And just like that, another blog post is written. I should definitely be studying for my grammar exam tomorrow rather than be here writing a blog post that no one will read, but you tell me which is more compelling. A poem on the state of modern loneliness, or conjunctive adverbs...
Yours Truly,
Macy
P.S. alphabet soup refers to all my fun diagnosis from my psychiatrist <3
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